The Hidden Childhood Pattern That's Quietly Feeding Your Anxiety

Have you ever noticed how in some relationships you feel like yourself, things are easy and you’re never performing; and in other relationships you just feel... off? Like you're constantly wondering what they think of you or if they’re mad at you? Or maybe you’re walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop, or you find yourself pulling away when things get too real? There's actually a pretty fascinating reason for this, and it goes all the way back to your earliest relationships.

The Attachment Style Basics

Think of attachment styles as your relationship blueprint. They’re formed in childhood and they’re based on how your caregivers responded to you. There are four main types:

Secure attachment is the gold standard. If your caregivers were consistently there for you, you probably trust that relationships are safe and feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

Anxious attachment develops when care was inconsistent. Maybe your parent was loving one day and distant the next. Or maybe they were there for you when you were shining but not when you struggled. You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, worrying about being abandoned, or reading into every text message.

Avoidant attachment happens when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or when you didn’t feel like it was ok to have big emotions. You learned to handle things solo, and now you might keep people at arm's length, even when you actually want connection.

Disorganized attachment comes from confusing or traumatic early experiences, often when your source of safety was also scary. This creates a push-pull dynamic where you crave closeness but fear it at the same time.

The Anxiety Connection

Unhealed attachment wounds don't just affect your relationships, they’re often a hidden source of ongoing anxiety—because let's be honest, most anxiety stems from being in relationship with others (or wondering where and if we fit in). When you're constantly bracing for rejection, scanning for signs of abandonment, or stuffing down emotions to protect yourself, your nervous system never truly relaxes. You're essentially living in a low-grade state of fight-or-flight.

For anxious types, even minor conflicts can spiral into catastrophic thinking. For avoidant folks, all those suppressed emotions don't disappear—they build up as tension, stress, and yes, anxiety. And if you're dealing with disorganized attachment, the constant internal conflict between wanting and fearing closeness is exhausting.

The Path Forward

Thanks to neuroplasticity and the brain's ability to constant rewire itself with new stimuli, our attachment style isn't a life sentence. With awareness and effort, you can rebuild these patterns:

Start by simply noticing your patterns without judgment. When do you get triggered? What stories do you tell yourself about relationships?

Consider practices that calm your nervous system—meditation, yoga, or even just mindful breathing can help you regulate those anxious responses.

Seek out and reinforce steady, reliable relationships. Positive connections can slowly teach your nervous system that safety is possible and what it feels like in your body.

And if you're ready to go deeper, working with a professional who understands attachment theory can be transformative. They can help you address those old wounds and build the internal security you might not have gotten as a kid.

Understanding your attachment style isn't about blame or dwelling on the past. It's about recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you and choosing something different. Your early experiences shaped you, but they don't have to define you.

I’m a yoga therapist, and I help people who feel anxious, overwhelmed, or stuck learn how to work with their nervous system—not against it. Through gentle, body-based practices, I support you in building resilience, restoring a sense of safety, and finding more ease in everyday life.

If you’re curious about a more compassionate, body-focused approach to anxiety, I’d like to invite you to join my online community The Inner Calm Collective.

Start with the free Inner Calm Collective membership tier and when you’re ready for more guidance, join the Elevated Membership for live classes, deeper support, and a space where your healing is fully supported. Join for free today!